Hello all! Today is the 75th anniversary of Alcoholics Anonymous, a mutual aid movement that describes itself as “a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.” This program is a much needed one, as almost half of all homicides, one-third of suicides, over one-third of accidental drownings, and half of all motor vehicle accidents are associated with alcohol misuse.

Alcohol abuse at any age is a serious concern, but alcohol and older adults really do not mix well. Problems with alcohol that develop later in life may be related to distress over retirement, lower income, failing health, loneliness, or the death of friends and loved ones. Increasing one’s use of alcohol can be a way of “self-medicating” underlying feelings of depression and/or anxiety.

With aging, the body loses its ability to absorb and clear alcohol from the system. Older people often have memory problems and forget how much alcohol they already consumed. Alcohol can dramatically increase the risk of falls and accidents, and is extremely dangerous when mixed with prescription or over-the-counter medications.

Teenage alcohol abuse is another serious and increasing problem. Here in mellow Marin, more teens and adults drink alcohol than the California and national averages. An astonishing 40% of 11th graders reported driving after drinking and 38% of Marin 11th graders reported binge drinking in the past month.

Teens who begin drinking before the age of 15 are four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence than those who start later. Several new studies suggest teen drinking can cause more serious neurological damage than we previously thought. If that isn’t bad enough, remember that alcohol is the leading factor in the three main causes of death in adolescents – auto crashes, homicide and suicide.

DID YOU KNOW?

Substance abuse and addiction often takes people by surprise. Without realizing it, alcohol and other drugs have begun to play an increasingly destructive role in their lives. Below is a checklist to consider for people who may have developed a problem with drugs or alcohol.

You might want to get help if you:
·Use drugs or alcohol to calm your nerves, forget your worries, or reduce depression.
·Lose interest in food.
·Lie or try to hide your drinking.
·Drink alone more often.
·Hurt yourself or someone else while under the influence of alcohol.
·Need more alcohol to get “high.”
·Feel irritable, resentful, or unreasonable when you are not drinking.
·Have medical, social, or financial problems caused by alcohol.
·Have experienced a friend of family member expressing concern about your use of alcohol.

You can educate yourself about substance abuse problems and seek help and support for yourself and any other affected family members. FSA offers services for addiction recovery that include assessment/referral/treatment, including dual diagnosis; and outpatient individual, adolescent, family, and group counseling. Call 415-491-5700 for more information. Below are other available resources:

Marin County Resources
·Bay Area Community Resources (assessment/referral/intervention) 415-924-8500
·Marin Services for Women (adult outpatient and residential) 415-924-5995
·Henry Ohlhoff Recovery Programs (adolescent/adults outpatient) 415-479-4967
·Serenity Knolls (28-day residential, 18 years and older) 415-488-0400
·Kaiser Permanente Medical Center Chemical Dependency Services 415-444-3531

Marin County 12-Step Recovery Support
·Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) 415-499-0400
·Al Anon (family members) 415-455-4723
·Al Anon en Espanol 415-451-1823
·Alateen 415-455-4723

Best wishes,
~Kelsey

Hello again! I hope this week finds you all in good health. Recently I have been working with some of the facilitators of Agesong, a program here at FSA in which groups discuss their experiences, anticipations and concerns with aging. One of the issues often brought up is how to deal with loss and grief. I therefore wanted to share some information with all of you about coping with loss, either for future reference or for immediate help.

The general consensus is that there are no absolutes about the “right” way to grieve. Unfortunately, our society seems to promote the “hurry up and move on” approach. Many people, however, find that the grieving lasts for months or years, rather than days or weeks.

Eventually, most of us recover from our losses and reinvest our vitality and life force back into the business of living. We honor those we love by allowing ourselves to experience, in our own way, their passing. There are no rules for grief, but the following suggestions may help with the process:

• Grief can manifest itself physically. It’s not uncommon to experience exhaustion, shortness of breath, nausea, insomnia, headaches, disorientation – just about anything!
• Recognize that recovery periods vary wildly. While some people recover in a year, others find the second year is much worse (especially after a sudden, unexpected death where shock might delay recovery).
• It definitely helps to find people who can really listen with their hearts as well as their ears. They can help you to acknowledge your pain, confusion, and fears.
• It’s normal to feel a broad range of emotions including sadness, relief, emptiness, numbness, anxiety, guilt, and unexpected anger toward the deceased, a higher power, and/or others.
• Accept that people grieve differently. For example, women are more likely to talk and cry while men are more likely to think and act.
• People who have strong spiritual beliefs seem to resolve grief more rapidly (however, using religion to deny natural grieving can be counterproductive). If you don’t have a spiritual belief system, look for other ways to find meaning and connections with friends and family.
• Once people begin to feel better, it’s normal to experience a sense of guilt about recovering and about continuing to live when someone you love has died.

If someone close to you is grieving, here are some ways you can help them:

• People struggling with grief need more than vague offers to help.  Many don’t have the energy to “reach out,” so friends and loved ones may need to “reach in” to support them.  Remember that the loneliness may be more intense after the first few months, as others return to their routine and the reality of the loss sets in.
• Don’t try to force people to talk if they don’t want to.  When appropriate, you can gently encourage them to talk about what happened, look at photos of the loved one, and share the good and bad memories. 
• Gently encourage the bereaved to get enough rest, to try to eat nourishing meals (don’t force it), do his or her regular exercise, and participate in some form of relaxation.
• Without diminishing someone’s suffering, look for opportunities to express a feeling of hope that things will eventually get better, sharing your own experience of loss, without making comparison or setting up expectations.
• Show your respect for the person and communicate your belief that he or she possesses the inherent strength and capacity to survive this experience and grow from it.

Note:  Normal grieving can become “complicated grief” due to uncompleted grieving from earlier losses, a deeply conflicted or extremely dependent relationship with the deceased, and other psychological factors.   Individuals should consider seeking help when there are persistent feelings of anxiety, guilt, or depression or if the feelings become debilitating.

Finally, if you or someone you care about is feeling depressed and overwhelmed by life crises or losses or considering suicide, please call our 24-hour Suicide Prevention & Crisis Hotline at 499-1100.

Hope this helps, at least by providing more information should the need arise. Best wishes,
~Kelsey

Hello all! Today I wanted to post about a very important topic, and one I think is always timely – anger management. Especially with summer seeming so close and yet so far away, irritation and frustration can rise pretty quickly. As tempting as it is to give into that anger, it’s always good to pause and ground yourself before acting.

It would help most of us if we could accept the adage, “Some days you’re the dog and other days you’re the hydrant.” Life has a way of not always turning out the way we had hoped. People we love disappoint and hurt us. Drivers cut us off on the freeway. Children can be selfish and messy.

Anger is often a normal emotional response and an important signal that should be listened to and honored. However, when left unchecked, it can also be one of the most destructive emotions we inflict upon one another.

Our instinctive response to anger is to react aggressively. We feel threatened, so we fight to defend ourselves. This is adaptive in the jungle, but not so great in the living room. It is important to remember that families don’t like being treated like the neighboring enemy.

Here are some tips for managing your anger:

Belly Breaths: Just breathing from your chest won’t relax you. Instead, counting to eight, slowly take in air through your nose and imagine it traveling down to your belly. Hold the breath to the count of four and then slowly release through your mouth to the count of eight. Repeat this exercise at least twice a day and, when you are angry, before you open your mouth to speak.

Zen This: Buddhist teachings stress the importance of being aware of our thought processes. Something occurs, we interpret that something, and then react based on the interpretation. Angry people tend to tell themselves things like, “This is awful, everything’s ruined. He did it on purpose.” Try replacing those catastrophic thoughts with more rational ones like, “This is frustrating but she didn’t do it on purpose” or “I’m upset but I can deal with it.”

Anticipate don’t Agitate: If you know the sight of your child’s messy room is going to set you off, make her keep the door closed until it is cleaned up. If your wife constantly interrupts you during the ballgame, try discussing this in a calm manner before the game begins. Ask for what you want before the situation becomes too charged.

Eye on the Prize: Instead of reactively going on the attack, think of the goal you really want to accomplish. Avoid, “You did this and you did that.” Instead, state what the problem is and try to find a solution that works.

No Me-Me: We all want things like fairness, appreciation and agreement, but angry people tend to demand them. We need to understand that our “terrible twos” are long gone and learn to translate our demands into desires. “I would like” something is healthier and more mature than saying “I must have” something.

These are just a few suggestions. If you or someone you know needs more active help, anger management-focused counseling might do the trick.

If you have any questions, need help, or just want more information please call our Communications Director, Marianne Gabelman, at (415) 491-5705.

Best wishes and keep your cool!
~Kelsey Harrington

Hello again! Apologies for the lack of continuous blogging – we have been working hard on becoming more visible in social networking. The good news is, FSA of Marin is now on facebook, twitter, and youtube.

Luckily, an anonymous member of the FSA community has helped to cover for us by contributing some great insight into the importance of giving. Here it is:

Gandhi said, “Almost everything you do will seem insignificant, but it
is important that you do it.” As we go about our lives, we always
have things to do, places to go, etc., and so much of it may seem
insignificant in comparison to the bigger picture, in comparison to
our lives as a whole. We also might think we are so small and limited
that we could not possibly make a difference in comparison to the vast
amount of suffering in the world.

But the fact is that every good deed ever done and every positive
gesture ultimately started with a single thought, with the single lift
of a finger, with the single act of one person deciding to reach out.
Each humble move was important in its own way, and look at how
much better the world is for it. Family Service Agency of Marin started
that very way, back around WWII. Imagine if there were no Family
Service Agency of Marin at all – it has touched literally hundreds of
thousands of lives to date for the better, and many in profound ways.

Each one of us can contribute to something larger than ourselves, and
each of us can make a difference. Whether it is volunteering, making
a contribution, or through other means does not matter. Just making
sure to do it is what is most important, and it will be noble and it
will help another fellow human being. And you will feel a momentum.
It will be felt not just by you, but also by others who notice what
you have done and who feel emboldened to do the same. So it is
important you do it, and you will understand and feel the importance
of giving.

I really agree that we have so many opportunities for small acts of kindness, and though it’s tempting to pass them by the pay-out is worthwhile both for the receiver and the giver. I challenge everyone who reads this to do one good deed, just one thing to help the community you live in. Perhaps that one act will inspire others to do the same.

Best wishes and good luck!

~Kelsey Harrington

Hello!  My name is Kelsey Harrington and I’m currently interning at FSA. As a psychology major, I can’t imagine a better way to learn about helping others than being surrounded by the wonderful and experienced therapists here at FSA. I’ve already picked up some great tips and lessons about improving relationships.  Here are just a few I’d like to share with you all:

In an age where technology is with us at all times of the day, it’s become more and more difficult to have meaningful conversations without interruption. Communication is an important aspect of all relationships, but especially partnerships, and it can help minimize misunderstandings and arguments. 

 First, I’d like to focus on listening.  There is an old saying, “The first duty of love is to listen.”  When we really listen to our partners completely, we not only listen to words but to the feeling of what is being said, the whole of it. 

When we feel like someone is really listening to and respecting our ideas and feelings, we tend to calm down.  Our anger gets diffused and our own ability to hear what another has to say is enhanced.

Here are some suggestions to hone your listening skills:

• Zip it.  Even when you don’t like what you hear, practice breathing more slowly and staying focused on your partner’s feelings before you launch into a “defense,” no matter how righteous and pressing your cause may be.  Each of you should be given uninterrupted time to express your ideas.  You can agree ahead of time that you’ll each have that time.  If you know you’ll have a chance to express yourself later, it’s easier to listen to your partner. 
• Restate not debate.  Ask follow-up questions that restate or use some of the same words your partner used.  Examples are: “Are you saying …?” or “What do you mean by …?”  Even a simple, “Say more” can illicit greater clarity about an issue. This helps to reassure our mates that their ideas are being heard and valued, and this aids communication.
• Look beyond words. Tune into your partner’s body language and eyes for clues to ascertain the heart of what is being said, not just the content.   If you’re really listening, you may also notice that you feel some of what your partner is expressing. 
• Walk a mile.  As difficult as it is to do, try putting yourself in your partner’s shoes in an attempt to more fully understand what is being communicated.  We all have the gift of imagination – using it to create empathy rather than antipathy will better serve your relationship.
• Elicit clarity.  Avoid asking yes and no questions, but rather ask questions that will enhance interaction rather than cut it short.  Asking your partner questions that encourage him/her to describe, explain, or share ideas tend to be most helpful.

Careful, caring “listening” between partners helps each person to feel seen, heard and not judged.  The better understood, more deeply connected, and safer we feel in a relationship, the more likely we are to handle life’s inevitable conflicts with patience, respect and love.

If you have any questions, need help, or just want more information please call our Communications Director, Marianne Gabelman, at (415) 491-5705.

Best wishes and happy listening!

~Kelsey Harrington

“Mary” suffered severe trauma as a child and lives an isolated, lonely life.  Although she battles depression and anxiety attacks, and has few job skills, she is determined to turn her life around.  She has been going out daily to look for a job.  Mary has been told she is very good with people but her hair and clothing need to be more professional.  However, she has had no money to pay for a haircut or new clothing.

Mary was “astounded and teary-eyed” when her therapist presented a Family to Family Fund gift of $200.00 to her.  She lost no time in getting her hair cut and purchasing a “job-hunting” outfit.  Her confidence was “really boosted” by being able to look better and she now has an interview for a job as a bank teller.  Mary sends her deepest gratitude to all of you who cared enough to help someone like her.

If you would like to join in this magical gift of giving, donate now at www.fsamarin.org.

Happy Holidays!

“Linda,” a single 35 year-old mother with two daughters, ages 11 and 2, had to recently relinquish custody of her kids because she suffers from Huntington’s Disease, which is progressive (both of her brothers, in more advanced stages of the disease, live in rest homes).  Linda, now in a wheelchair, has struggled with depression and alcoholism most of her life, but has been sober for five months and is a loving, affectionate mother.  Her daughters are deeply attached to her.  She barely subsists on SDI, has no steady home, and lives with a series of friends.

Linda was incredibly surprised by the Family to Family Fund award and was thrilled that with this donation, she was able to play “Santa Claus” to her little girls and to buy gifts for her brothers.  That anonymous gift to Linda and her family helped boost their sense of hope and provide them with a much-needed feeling of delight in their otherwise difficult holiday season.

If you would like to join us in this magical gift of giving, donate now at www.fsamarin.org.

Happy Holidays!

As the Holiday Season approaches, many of us think of the warmth and comfort of family. For too many families in Marin, however, this season is wrought with hardships – parents unable to feed their children, let alone to provide them with gifts and cheer during the holidays. But there are several stories with happy, hopeful endings thanks to the FAMILY TO FAMILY FUND, which began with the generosity and leadership of the Randy Fong family and was established by the FSA Board in 1991 to assist agency clients facing extraordinary needs during the holiday season.

This is the way the FAMILY TO FAMILY FUND works:  FSA staff confidentially identify potential recipients from among the many deserving families in their caseloads. A donation from a donor family is matched to the needs of the recipient family.  After the gift is made, the donor family receives a letter that describes the specific gift and the impact of that gift.

Some examples of recipients who have benefited from the Family to Family Fund include: one family, temporarily impoverished due to both parents losing their jobs, was able to continue providing music lessons for their gifted teenage son.  Another family – an unemployed single mother with four children who lived in a cramped motel room because she couldn’t save money for a rental deposit – was able to rent an apartment, as well as purchase some much-needed warm clothes for her kids.

This month, I’d like to share some of the true stories of FSA family clients who have been touched by the FAMILY TO FAMILY FUND. The recipients have not asked for financial assistance from the agency and are, without exception, deeply surprised and touched by the gift.

Donate now at www.fsamarin.org.

I hope that you will join us in the holiday spirit of giving!
Alissa Steiner

Maribel, age 7, was molested repeatedly by a male relative who often cared for her during mother’s long work hours.   Upon discovering the abuse, Maribel’s mother sought help immediately.  Prior to treatment, Maribel experienced nightmares and extreme anxiety. Her mother felt so guilty about the molest that she needed help coping with her own feelings before she could be available for her daughter.

During therapy, mother and daughter learned that the molest was not their fault.  The little girl also mastered ways to better protect herself and became empowered about saying “no” to “bad touches,” even if it meant saying no to a (formerly) trusted adult. This was challenging for the little girl because, especially in her culture, adult males are to be respected and obeyed.

Maribel’s mother explored ways that she could work long hours and still create a safer, more nurturing environment for her daughter.  They both made peace with their feelings of shame, especially in group treatment where they met others who had experienced similar situations.

Prior to the incident, they lived an isolated lifestyle with very little support from family or friends.  In the group, they made new friends and have become part of a new, stronger “communidad” (community) where they are accepted and supported.  Maribel said about her work at FSA, “Therapy is a good way to get my bad feelings and thoughts out of my heart.”

FSA’s Childhood Trauma program provides therapy and education to children and their families who are victims of:

• Sexual Abuse
• Physical and Emotional Abuse
• Domestic Violence
• Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

For more information and contact for these valuable services, please visit http://www.fsamarin.org/ctp.html.

Marianne Gabelman, Director of Communication and Resource Development

Amid the numerable losses that Family Service Agency has suffered as a result of the economic downturn are the funds we need to keep up our suicide prevention & crisis hotline.

For more than 35 years, every day, 24-hours a day, Marin’s Suicide Prevention & Crisis Hotline has offered a warm hand of hope to those who need it the most.  The Hotline operates the county’s only 24-hour suicide/crisis telephone counseling service, responding to nearly 10,000 calls for help each year.

In addition, because bereavement is a major factor in suicide, the Hotline’s Grief Counseling Program (developed 32 years ago with the support of the Marin Coroner’s Office) provides intensive, no-fee counseling to Marin residents who have lost a loved one.  Working closely with the Coroner’s Office, more than 300 families are contacted and offered support after the death of a family member each year.

Before the implementation of the hotline 35 years ago, Marin County’s rate of suicide was three times the national average. Studies show that today, we are consistent with statistics for the rest of the country. This just shows how providing support to those who feel lost and hopeless does make a difference. Studies show that 90% of people who commit suicide suffer from depression, anxiety, addiction, or other disorders. If we can provide more funding for our prevention hotline and publicize its availability, more people can get the help they need before it’s too late.

You can make a difference by donating here: https://secure.groundspring.org/dn/index.php?aid=3711

Take good care of yourself! All the best.

Alissa Steiner